Kids [Make You Say] the Darndest Things

Updated: Jan 11, 2020

#momlife all day every day. a lot of people keep a journal of things their children say as they are growing, but what i find more entertaining is the list of things my husband and i say to them.


"New rule: everyone picks their own wedgie"

This one was actually directed at someone else's kid, which made me feel better. This child was playing at our house on the slip-and-slide and noticed that my two year old had a wedgie after five or six slides. I look over and see our guest trying to help a sister out. I yelled her name and asked what she was doing and she said "Payton, has a wedgie! I can see two whole butt cheeks!" *facepalm*

"Okay, new rule: everyone picks their own wedgie!"


"Stop rubbing your chicken on the wall"

As if you're not already cringing, not only did my child actually rub poultry on a wall, but it was in a public restaurant. When she was caught red-handed, she tried to hide the chicken by shoving it into her mouth. *gag*... sorry, i'll.. *gag*... be right... *gag*... back.


"Don't put the ____ in your mouth"

This isn't that weird, but the weirdest items that I have found in my kids' mouths are

shoes

a nickel

dog food

my good moisturizer

3 baby wipes

lent from the dryer

grass

my cell phone

and a bubble wand


"You gon' fall"

This phrase is for those of us with more than one child. It's also best said with a little attitude in your tone from across a room. Make sure your body language and lack of movement toward the children jumping on the couch/walking on top of the picnic table/standing in the slippery bath tub says I'm not going to do anything about this. If you're still on your first child and could never imagine such a lax approach to preventing injury, don't worry, you'll catch up.


"If that cat scratches you, I'm not going to feel sad for you"

Ahh those hard life lessons of "kitty doesn't like this and claws your eyes out." See above for technique used to deliver this quote.


"You have to wear bottoms to school"

We recently went through a phase with our 5 year old where she would only wear dresses to school. She had a field trip coming up and her class was required to wear their field trip shirts (per the sign on the classroom door). I thought okay, I better get ahead of this and show Harper this sign. I pick her up and tell her "tomorrow you have to wear your field trip shirt, socks, and tennis shoes." She understood and was excited about the field trip. The next morning, I am putting her t-shirt on as she is half asleep. She starts whining that she doesn't have a dress on and I remind her of what we talked about yesterday. Hysterical, she says "NO! It said just t-shirt, socks, and tennis shoes!!" Almost threatening, I say that she has to wear some kind of bottom to school and if she didn't get out of that bed she was going to be in a lot of trouble. So, we settled on t-shirt, socks, tennis shoes, and... a blue mini skirt. *eye roll emoji*


"Do not put your toys in the fridge"

When it comes to hiding toys from our sibling, my children are at doomsday prepper level.


"Do not drink that water! It's butt water!"

Why do kids drink bath water????


"Ok, well, I guess we'll just have to go get a shot"

Yeah, I know you're faking sick.


"Don't play in daddy's wheelchair"

I'm thankful that my children will never be freaked out by someone's disability or difference, but I can't say we are really breeding a culture of compassion for handicapped people in our home. My kids steal their dad's wheelchair all the time and poor Josh is left stranded on the couch.


"Where did you get that money?"

As my child pulls $200 cash out of a purse she had in her dress up clothes.


"We don't pet squirrels" [why?] "because they are weird and bitey."

All we can do is try to put things in terms they can understand. Not every kid knows rabid, but they all know bitey.


"HEY-HEY-A-HI-HINEY!"

Have you seen Moana? Ok, so you know what I'm talking about.


"Bring your behind over here!"

When you get side-eye attitude from a 4 year old.


"Why are there shoes in the toilet again?"

My youngest one obsessed over throwing her shoes, my shoes, anyone's shoes in the toilet. She never tried to flush them. It was as if she thought that's where they belonged. She was very matter-of-fact while putting them in there, like "egh, shoes, gotta get these put away.." In the potty, closed the lid, continued living. ???


"I'm going to get a trash bag!"

We've all done it. FED. UP. with the toys not getting put away. So what do we do? Grab a trash bag and throw away things we've paid for with our own money.


"That is not the Heart of Tafiti, it is a crusted Cheez-It!"

Again, another Moana reference. I love that my kids have an active imagination. Both of them are perfectly content playing with sticks outside for hours. However, the drawback to an active imagination is that monotonous, useless things come to life. One day I was getting my oldest out of her car seat for pre-school. I could tell she had something in her hand that she didn't want me to see. I asked her over and over what it was. Finally, she opened her hand and said "Don't take this! It's the Heart of Tafiti! We have to restore the heart!"

I looked down at the Cheez-It she had found in her carseat, probably from a long car ride we took 6+ weeks ago, and said "That is not the Heart of Tafiti, it is a crusted Cheez-It!" I threw it away which induced a sobbing fit. My favorite thing that I do as a parent is discipline my kids right before we walk in the door to their school, then coach their teachers on how to handle it because none of it makes sense. I drop Harper off, still a sobbing mess, and tell her teacher "OkaysoshegotintroubleforhavingaCheezItinthecarclaimingit'stheHeartofTafitifromMoanabutobviouslyit'snotit'saCheez-ItsoIthrewitawaybecauseshedoesn'tneedtobringfoodinhereandnowsheiscrying" *takes breath* "so, could you please just remind Harper that she cannot bring food into the classroom? Thanks!"


"These are not magic wands!!!!"

We are fortunate enough to own a Roomba which is such a blessing because we do not have a single carpeted room in our house. One day the Roomba starts making this awful noise. I figured it had run over the typical iPhone charger or sock left on the floor. Not a big deal, I will just go clean it out. I find the Roomba in Harper's room half way under her pink tent at the end of her bed. When I turned it over to clear it out, I find not one, not two, but TWELVE coffee stoppers from Starbucks bent and mangled inside my precious robot vacuum's debris canister. Harper dramatically exclaims "Oh no!!!!! My magic wands!!!" literally with the back of one hand across her forehead and the other hand clutching her heart.

"These are NOT magic wands!!!" I *might have yelled, "These are the little thingamajigs from my coffee cups and you are not allowed to store them in your tent like a squirrel!"

Don't worry, I did a great job bringing this home with a tangent on the monetary value of a Roomba and how I'm not made of money. 10 points for Griffindor!




Don't worry, I'm adding to this all the time...



What weird things have you said to your kids??



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