r e b a p t i z e d

4. 28. 18

The Spring of 2018 was such a pivotal point in my life. I spent 2017 wandering in the wilderness on the search for why? My husband and I had great jobs, our children were growing and beautiful, and I was healthy. However, I was convinced of one thing in my marriage and at work: what I did made no difference. I felt rejected and cast aside, not because someone went out of their way to make me feel like that, but because I had a picture in my mind of how they both should function and neither was meeting my standard. 

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I decided that I was looking in all the wrong places for validation. I wanted a pat on the back for drudging through my role in life with a bad attitude. I felt sorry for myself often which furthered my confusion about my life. So, I signed up for a small group through my home church and decided I needed to get back to basics. 

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This small group was about living in the freedom of Christ. Freedom in Christ was not unheard of for me, but I definitely had not explored it enough. I think I was afraid of what I would find. Maybe I wouldn't feel free at all, but at that point I would know better thus feel convicted to commit to a new way of life...

This small group gave me an eye-opening look at what it means to live in the freedom of Christ's love. From the Creation Story to present day, I realized that we are constantly trying to do something to prove our worth to be leaders in our spirituality. If that's how it worked, then my anxious suspicion would have been true: I would not have felt free by adding more "do not's" to my life. So why not just remain ignorant and keep doing what I want and not worry about it? 

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Answer: Because I still didn't have a game plan against the wandering, rejection, and poor self-esteem.

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So, we met every Monday night for about three months to figure that out. Our curriculum changed my focus. It taught me that literally nothing about what I do can qualify me. What qualifies me is what Jesus has already done. That was a game changer. From that point I realized that my works here on Earth are all about helping other people believe and receive the free gift of salvation. Suddenly, I saw the people in my life the way God sees them and my ill-feelings were demolished. 

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I also started a new habit. I used the verses in our Freedom curriculum as declarations over my situations. When I felt rejected and weak, I prayed 2 Corinthians 12:9 back to God: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." When I felt nervous, I reminded God that He said "For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance" in Psalm 94:14. The more I prayed God's Word back to Him, the less I felt like I had to figure out. I began to believe that the Cross had truly solved everything I would ever question in my life. And with that thought, I asked to be buried (again) in baptism and raised to a new life on April 28, 2018. The best part? Josh felt the exact same way. 

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I had been baptized in my home church when I was nine years old, but I made that choice out of pure desire to not go to hell. This time I made the choice to invite Jesus because He had already invited me... a million times. I never meant to say "no thanks", but I just felt so inadequate. Phases of my life dictated the inadequacy. I told myself "this isn't for me" or "when I grow out of this, then I can..." or "I can't lead people that know what I do outside of church." Being baptized was just my shameless invitation for Jesus to join me in every area of doubt.

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Life has not gotten easier. In fact, I would say it's gotten a lot harder, but I now walk with two things I never had before:

Peace for Today and Hope for Tomorrow.